Ambivalence, Anger and Fear

[Veee1226]

I have been avoiding posting what I have been feeling lately because I thought I could work through this alone and come to some sort of peace within myself without anybody else's help.  Of course, that hasn't gotten me very far, so here I am.

Where has my fire gone?  When I first made the decision to do this, I was moving 100 miles an hour with the changes I was going to make with my life.  Then I learned that, due to the guidelines of BlueCross BlueShield, I had to wait 6 months before I could have the surgery.  Essentially, I was all revved up with no place to go.  Now, I have entered my 4th month of waiting, and I find that I am ambivalent about my decision because I have had nothing but time to think and think and think.  I want to do it, but I don't want to do it.  Does that make sense to anyone?  I want to be thinner and healthier, but I don't necessarily want to have surgery to do be healthier.  However, I have gone past a point where I can do it naturally.  I am past forty, my body is aching, I have to walk up the stairs one at a time, I can't walk two blocks without being winded and I have to loose well more than 150 pounds.  How can I do that without the surgery?  The answer is that I can't.  And you know what?  I am really pissed off about that.  I am angry at myself for allowing myself to get to this horrible point in my life.  I am angry with this society that won't let me feel comfortable and attractive the way I am right now.  And I am angry with God for dumping me into this life of mine.  I don't want to give up all of my favorite foods.  I don't want to give up my favorite nights at my favorite bar eating and drinking my favorite stuff with my best friends.  I don't want to drink horrible turd-tasting shakes.  I don't want to have to carry a food processor every where I go.  I know that I am carrying on like a child because, basically, I do not want to admit to myself that I have an addiction.  I have an addiction to food.  And, believe me, THAT pisses me off more than anything else.  I certainly expected more of myself.

So, as I am working my way through my ambivalence and my anger…lurking farther below the surface is my fear.  A fear that keeps me up at night, steals my concentration, and wears me down to the bone.  My biggest fear is the unknown.  I don't know what to expect afterwards.  How is this surgery going to change my life?  How will it affect my marriage?  How will it affect my relationships with my friends?  How will it affect my psyche?  How will I manage my psychological need for food?  How will I react to people (especially men) giving me attention when I have never really gotten it?  Will I fail and gain back the weight?  Or even worse, will I die from the surgery?  So many changes and so many things I can't control.

At the moment I have no answers to these questions and not having the answers frightens me as well.

There is a saying that I like very much.  It is:  “If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.”

I am certainly tired of getting the same results over and over.  I guess it is time for a change.  I just pray that I find the strength to do this and manage my life well.

Thank you all for listening.

Veronica

[Osk]

Hey there Veronica,

First off speaking out like this is a very brave thing to do, and you should be proud.  Everything I read, every single word, is something I myself have felt.  I am pretty sure it is something that everyone feels at one point or another.  It is scary facing so many changes.   It is hard to think about a life without doing so many things you enjoy.   Food is such an important part of society.  Also it is hard thinking about how different things will be.  How different people will treat you.  How this might change the nature of your relationships.   I’ve told you that I called my journey into this “Down the Rabbit Hole”, and it’s true, you have no idea what lies on the other side of all this. 
It’s hard to face the mirror, to see the truth in oneself.   It was hard for me to face my own food addiction.  You feel like a failure.  You wonder how you got to this place.   You wonder if you could be happy living another way.   We all feel that at one time or another.  What lays ahead for you?  I can’t say for sure, no one can.  I am sure some things won’t be better, but I think many things will be.   There will be good things and bad things.   

You’ve come so far already Veronica, and I am so very proud of you.  You can do this.  You are two thirds of the way done with this waiting.   You can make it the last third.  No matter how much you weight I’ll be there to help drag you across the finish line.  You are going to make it.   The fear and the waiting is the worst part.  Once I got into the recovery room everything was fine, seriously.   It’s getting to that point that the hard part.   Just think Veronica, 2009 is going to be Your Year.   Two more months and the year will be almost over.  It’ll be a new year, a new life, a new body, and ultimately a new you.  A happier you, free from so many of the health issues, shame, disappointment, self loathing and embarrassment.  I am speaking from what little experience I have. 
 I never knew how bad my old life was until I started a new one.  I never knew just how happy a person I could be until I crossed my arms, held my breath and leaped into the rabbit hole.   If you quit now, you’ll never really know yourself, you’ll never see just how good your life can be.  You deserve that life Veronica; you’re a wonderful caring person.   The life you are living now is not where you belong.  There is something so much better beyond it, and it starts in just a couple of months.   Trust me, and trust the others who came before us.  It’s going to be better then alright, it’s going to be great.

Osk

[DONNA BEE]

Hey Veronica,
I think i am in he same position as you are,society plays a big part in how a person should look and often times you wonder why do i have to live my life for society.My coworkers everyday tell me how fat i am. not in a bad way but just being  concerned  friends.So far i haven't told anyone in my family that i have considerd the surgery except my aunt and sister NOT EVEN MY FIANCE or my mother. I feel bad because someone i knew had the surgery before and i swore i would never have the surgey done,but it has come to the point where i cant even stand infront of the mirror anymore or walk down the road without losing my breath or having joint pain.
  I too wonder and fear having the surgey because of what might happen in the process. but i do beleive that joining the support group was the best thing i did. I hope to get the same  advice form other members as you

WE WILL BE HERE FOR YOU.

[Bookworm]

This is such a personal matter. Oscar really hit it on the head. This is probably the hardest decision you'll ever make, because for once you're choosing something for YOU! When I first considered the surgery I thought it was "cheating" or the easy way out. That is so not true. It takes tremendous courage to make this choice. You don't realize until you start to lose the weight how difficult life is for you. When you can walk across a room without getting winded or climb a few stairs without pulling yourself up, that's when you begin to realize how hard everything really was. Post surgery is much easier than you can imagine, and with Dr. Buchin and Sophia it gets easier every day. Support of family and friends helps, but only people who have been on this journey really understand. That's why this board and the support group are so important. Therapy plays a huge role in helping you understand your behaviors and how to modify them. Please don't be discouraged, you're almost there!! And we will be there to see you through. Don't give up. We're here for you.

Diane

[Veee1226]

Thank you everyone.  I am not going to give up.  I made my decision and I want to continue on this journey.  I was afraid that I was the only one who had doubts.  Everyone else seems so sure and positive I was beginning to think I was crazy.  I know that I am a smart woman, but sometimes I am so thrown off the track by my own thoughts and feelings.  I didn't realize the impact this decision would have on me and I haven't even had the surgery yet!  But I am learning more about myself each day.  It is true that you can't really explain these feelings fully to family and friends if they are not on the same path.  I have been relying on my therapist and Oscar through the confusion and I thank God for both of them!

I made the appt to have all of my blood work done and I will start scheduling appointments with all of the specialist soon.  I have been dragging my feet on all of this because my mind hasn't been in the right place.  Don't get me wrong, I am still frightened by all of this.  I am going to try very hard not to let it all overwhelm me.  At least that is the the plan!  LOL