Cleaning out my Closet.

It was time. Before the surgery I had just gone up to a size 44 in pants… 1XL was comfortable on me… I hated shopping, it was always humiliating, a kick in the face. It forced me to face my failure, as once again I was a size larger than last time.

I wore mostly t-shirts socially. I had maybe 50, maybe more, cool t-shirts. Many were old, many were faded, all of them beloved. They were an expression of who I was, my current mood and what I was doing. I had one for every occasion.

But everything is different now. My waist has lowered to a comfortable 33, and I can fit into a 32 (snugly). My shirts are now sized medium, with large looking comfortable and baggy on me. The number of items I could wear and still look all right got lower and lower. I started living out of one section of my dresser with the rest of it filled with things I hardly looked out. My closet was filled with items that no longer fit, things I didn’t even know I still had. But still I hung on to them.

Why? Maybe I’d need them again. Maybe this wouldn’t work. Maybe they’d fit again one day. I mean…if I gained 20 pounds, I’d still be sort of okay, wouldn’t I? People do gain it back, don’t they? Besides, I love these clothes… But things are different now. I am going to be living this life without a safety net. Maybe one day I will fail, and gain back weight. Maybe I will but I’m not planning on it and I certainly am not going to allow it to happen without a fight. If it happened I’d buy new clothes, and have to face that demon. Maybe that threat would help me. In the past going up a size was a black mark on my soul. Now it would be so much worse. This is my new life now. Eating better, being active, fighting the fight and maintaining my victories. The time had come.

I cleaned out my closet, my dresser, my life in a way. Bag after bag went out. Some got thrown out, some given to charity but all of it gone. My every day clothes were reduced to nearly nothing. The items I purchased over the winter no longer suitable for the current weather, the clothes I wore this time last year are now gone. I own very little. Work clothing was more of a problem. None of it fit, I mean none of it. If I got rid of it I would have no work clothing at all. I’ll make due for a couple of weeks.

Next month the family and I are going to Tanger outlets. There I will replace my collection of office attire, get more every day clothing for warm weather, basically fill out the gaps in my wardrobe. It’s exciting and scary, like most things are lately. Yet one more thing you don’t think of when you get the surgery. Yes, you lose weight but there are so many things, so many details of your life, connected to that.

I’ve got nothing to wear now. That’s okay. The things I have lost are going to be replaced with new things. Those things don’t fit me anymore. It was time to clean out my closet.